man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
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I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
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HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing