Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
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me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.