*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
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Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.