“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
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Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
For anyone who needs this today
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community