Blew my mind.
You Might Also Like
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!