My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
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“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
My dad teaching me to drive
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck