Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
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When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.