website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
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I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Miscakes
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.