*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
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Weighing up my bread heating options
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Life with a cat in one tweet
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir