If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
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I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.