to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
You Might Also Like
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-