I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
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If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.