*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
You Might Also Like
Hamburger Hinderer.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶