… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
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hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
The Birdles
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.