GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
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“Everybody freeze!”
-November
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.