My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
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ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.