Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
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I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Try and stop me.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
The Sun
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.