Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
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“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.