NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
You Might Also Like
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
That’s no pocket rocket.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
How your email finds me
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?