SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
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ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.