[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
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[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.