I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
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[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes