*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
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Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.