Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
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In space, no one can hear…
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.