Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
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[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
yes… yes…
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.