Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
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scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
I’ve been learning to cook.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche