FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
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Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on