I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
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I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down