Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
You Might Also Like
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.