If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
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[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
found my next D&D character name
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
this is uni