I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
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*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”