If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
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All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
some Old Testament wisdom
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout