Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
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That’s incredible! 👌
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I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings