HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
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Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
When you can’t find your friend Neil
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Breaking news:
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.