I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
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Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”