[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
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why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!