You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
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My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!