Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
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watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”