I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
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My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
#oldknees
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!