My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
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The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
guys i’ve cracked the code
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”