My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
You Might Also Like
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.