Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
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I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
We avoided this particular disaster
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.