Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
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me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse