[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
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U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands