Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
You Might Also Like
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it