I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
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Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are