I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
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“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house