I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
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I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
The photographer’s assistant
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
How to properly lift a body
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.