I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
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Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher