One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
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Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait